I don’t watch a lot of reality TV because it doesn’t live up to its name. If it did, it’d be like this, and I’d watch it.
Dear NBC: Hire me for whatever job it is where I get to do this.
Real World: Southeast DC: Seven contestants in one house for six months! What happens when people stop being polite… and start getting real? Also their house is in territory contested by the Street Criminals, Mara Salvatrucha 13 and the Black Gangster Disciples. Best not to go outside! Ever!
Survivor: Being Homeless: Contestants are forced to spend one winter on the mean streets of New York City with nothing but a cardboard box and the flat, watery Dr. Pepper they find in the bottom of dumpster. Watch them scramble to make it to the recently downsized homeless shelter before it reaches capacity for the night! If any manage to survive, we’ll totally give them a million dollars or something.
Real Housewives That Are Also Single Mothers On Welfare: If you think being a trust-fund baby in New Jersey is hard, just trying working an 80 hour week for minimum wage with two kids, an ex-husband with a restraining order, and a disabled 85 year old mother!
Keeping Up With John Vincent, the Homeless Iraq War Veteran Trying to Kick His Heroin Habit So He Can See His Kids Again: Can John’s love of his five year old son — who he’s never met — give him the strength he needs to pull himself out of this hellish pit before he dies? Probably not. Thursdays, right after How I Met Your Mother.
Teaching a High School Social Studies Class With The Stars: Celebrities famous for playing inspiration high school teachers are made to attempt those strategies in a real classroom. watch what happens when a kid with a learning disability is told to “seize the day” over and over again! See how well kids with abusive parents respond to generic Robert Frost quotes! Watch how seriously actual teenagers take you when you try to dress like them and adopt their hip street lingo! Winners get one year’s worth of a public teacher’s income and benefits.
Who Wants To Compromise Their Beliefs For The Possibility of Scraping Together Enough Money For Their Son’s Operation?: Seven parents with seven different terminally ill kids compete to win (a chance to) pay for their kids’ treatment — but only if they disappoint their parents, abandon their culture, or manage to render pointless their life’s work by contradicting their most closely held convictions.
Foodstamp Factor: Throw a birthday party for a twelve year old boy using only the foodstamps leftover at the end of the month — supplemented with as many of your family heirlooms as you can hock on such short notice! Contestants will do anything to avoid embarrassing their son in front of his friends.The hilarity begins at 8:30PM, 7:30 Central.
A Shot At Life After Prison: Everyone would fail, because halfway houses in this country are fucking terrible.
